The Way You Make Me Feel
by subvintage
Summary: Hitsugaya thinks over his feelings about Hinamori and his reasons for becoming a shinigami. Not to mention his frustration over her admiration of Aizen.


**Author Note: **I don't even know what prompted me to finally sit down and write fan fiction again. I haven't been to this site in a long long time. I guess I'll see how it goes. This fic takes place basically before the whole fiasco in the manga and in the anime. So basically before Rukia is returned to Soul Society. Got it?

Vitani

**The Way You Make Me Feel**

I believe everyone has his or her reasons for becoming a shinigami. Most all of the captains, vice captains, and seated officers will tell you that it is because they want to protect people or someone. Though for me it was slightly different. I didn't train I didn't work my hardest to just protect anyone and everyone, no; one person the thought of just one person was what drove me on day after day. Though it's sort of tragic when you're all but invisible to that person.

Matsumoto was sitting on the couch flipping absently though a magazine. "Are you sure there isn't anything you need me to do?" Her voice snapped me out of my dream like trance.

"Hmm?" I murmured. "Oh no you're fine." I said, "There really isn't anything left to do anyway you could even leave if you wanted to."

Matsumoto didn't make any move to leave rather, she smiled slightly at me, "That's okay," she said. "I'll wait till you're finished."

Truth be told I wasn't sure how quickly I was going to be able to finish. My mind was starting to wander again. "Matsumoto?" I found myself saying finally.

"Yes?" Her voice took an expectant and amused tone it was like she knew something was on my mind and was just waiting for me to ask.

I paused trying to put my thoughts into words but every time I said it aloud in my mind it sounded stupid, childish, immature or weak. Not really sides that I wanted to show. "Could you hand me that stamp on the table." I asked as a cover up.

She quietly picked up the stamp and walked over to my desk with it. She leaned down eye level with me and offered a smile. "When you actually want to talk I'll listen, promise." She said.

I took the stamp and stamped a random piece of paper trying to make myself look busy so I could avoid her eyes. Had I really become that transparent? Though grant it I had been fazing in and out of myself the whole day. It couldn't be helped I got like that sometimes, closing off my senses to avoid drowning in my own emotions. It wouldn't be in my best interest to fall to emotions. Though I suppose I would always be trapped. I guarded my emotions so could stay strong and protect her, but still no matter what feeling her distance from me sparked them. She was happy though right? I should be happy that she is happy. She adores her position as Aizen's vice captain. I don't think she'd trade it for the world, not even to work in my division. Every time I saw her the only thing she could ever talk about was how great a person Aizen-taichou is, or how she wanted to do something special to show her appreciation to Aizen-taichou.

I envy Aizen more then I envy anyone else in all of Soul Society. He managed to capture something I never could and that is the admiration of Hinamori Momo. She and I, we're friends in the sense that she talks to me. Though she talks to be about Aizen wondering if I'm nice to Matsumoto like Aizen is nice to her. Hearing his name makes me ill, but I don't ever show her that. I just nodded saying nothing.

I wish there was some way I could make her understand that everything I did to get here I did for her. Ever since the day she left me in the Rukongai I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to become a shinigami to protect her. I studied, I trained, I worked past and through everyone who said I couldn't do it. With the glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that she might be impressed my look at me different instead of just 'Shiro-chan.' I wanted her to look at me as someone she could rely on. Someone who would keep her safe no matter the cost. This apparently wasn't the case. Aizen is that person. Aizen is the one she is impressed by. Aizen is the one she looks to. Aizen is the one she goes to with her fears and concerns. It's always him. It's always going to be him. What if one day I'm not even 'Shiro-chan' anymore?

I snapped back into reality when I saw something waving in front of my face. It was Matsumoto's hand. "Huh? Oh sorry." I managed. "I'm finished now we can leave." I said stacking some papers together.

"Okay." She said pleasantly smiling her best. "Shall we walk back together?"

I just nodded locking everything up and heading out the door. I knew I was worrying her. She probably had a right to know why I was being so off lately. I was her captain and she was my vice captain. Though these were personal matters I didn't have to make them anyone else's business. Besides it was stupid anyway, I needed to learn to get over myself. "Isn't Hinamori-san's birthday coming up?" She asked with a somewhat amused look plastered on her face. "I should get her something nice. You know when her birthday is, don't you taichou?" She asked looking at me.

"Yeah." Was all I could do to answer her.

"Are you going to get her something?" She asked. "If I remember you got her that really pretty bracelet last year didn't you?"

I had gotten her that gift. It had been before she had even become Aizen's vice captain. I had gotten her a small silver bracelet on one of my trips to the Rukongai. It was stupid how proud of myself I was. Though right after I gave it to her Aizen showed up and presented her with some things for her hair. She got so flabbergasted and amazed by Aizen's presence let alone his gift that she forgot I was standing there. I had stood there stupidly for a few awkward moments while she babbled her thankfulness to the man. Finally I just allowed myself to slip away. I don't know what she did with my gift, but it's not like it mattered anyway.

I stowed a glance over at my vice captain she was one of the few people I felt I got actual respect from. Honestly really one of the few people I trusted fully. "Don't worry about me." I said.

"I tend to worry about you." She chuckled. "Someone has to worry about since you're too busy worrying about someone else."

"I didn't mean to make you worry." I admitted.

"I know," She said. "But you know I think the best thing you can try to do for her for now is continue to be there."

I turned and looked up at Matsumoto. "How did you-?"

"How did I know?" She chuckled. "I've been working with you long enough that I know what sets you off. Its like my job to know things about you no one else does. Otherwise we wouldn't be a very good team now would we?" She laughed.

"I see." I said. "But I don't know anything about you."

"You just think that." She said. "You know things you just don't realize it because to you its common knowledge." She smiled. "But like I said just continue to be Hitsugaya-taichou, or rather, Shiro-chan, for her. It's what she needs. She admires Aizen-taichou that much is true, but Aizen-taichou will never have the relationship with Hinamori-san that Hitsugaya-taichou has." She smiled at me again. "Don't be so jealous." She laughed. "You should really just tell her your feelings. Whatever they may be. Do you really know what her feelings for Aizen-taichou are?"

I didn't answer her at first. I threw it around in my head for few moments. "Maybe, maybe you're right."

"You know I'm right, but it's just like Hitsugaya-taichou not to admit when he's wrong."

I didn't answer her this time. "Good night Matsumoto." I said shaking my head going to my room. I lay back on my bed and thought it over. Maybe tomorrow would be different maybe tomorrow I could finally tell her.

* * *

Alright please leave a review and tell me what you think. I like feedback. 


End file.
